This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
You Might Also Like
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.