Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise