Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs