my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
My new favorite headline
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this