My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I can’t wait!
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Venn
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism