Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Cucumbers Anonymous
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now