For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
The French cow says MEUX…
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Yup….perfect score!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?