Family: Why would you get tattoos? They鈥檙e expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 馃檪
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Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I鈥檓 gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700鈥檚 and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I鈥檓 sorry.
Me: please don鈥檛 interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Love is in the air fryer.
Whenever I鈥檓 at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I鈥檓 drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I鈥檓 drinking with my cool friend
Me: I鈥檇 like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it鈥檚 still alive.
Me: I鈥檒l give you two some privacy.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where鈥檚 Jesuszilla
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.