Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
asked my bf how work was today
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.