[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Gods work.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.