me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
You Might Also Like
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
What flavor cupcake are these
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.