If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.