The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”