*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY