Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.