My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
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It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My first son he is wonderful
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
We like the way Dwight thinks
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”