10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I am crying
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.