I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
You Might Also Like
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Huge, if true.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Meth is short for Elizameth.