Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
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“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Tell the colonel to bring it
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.