Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
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OMG 🤣🤣
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Bed should get ready for ME
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.