Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.