hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Coffee for people with no kids
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad