Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
You Might Also Like
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?