If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.