Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave鈥檚 not here man
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they鈥檙e with me.
can鈥檛 help feeling like there鈥檚 already a name for this
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
ROBIN: the batmobile won鈥檛 start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what鈥檚 a tery
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Wife: Don鈥檛 use that Band-Aid. It鈥檚 expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
Can鈥檛. About to go please some beans
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they鈥檙e getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
getting corrected
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don鈥檛 know, have you tried walking through the room naked?