I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Something Saturday.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.