5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
You Might Also Like
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes