You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
i choose….tongue
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.