“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff