Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
This headline is a thing of beauty
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
#ProTip
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.