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What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.