“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.