When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
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Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.