My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
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I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady