I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”