I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
So the ex texted me
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Go girl power!
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I need to get some bricks…
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.