Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?