*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
c’mon!
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.