You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
craving $300 all of a sudden
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
How I like cutting carbs
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.