I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
the clam before the storm
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?