America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Good morning, Twitter x
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
They got Raph!
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*