You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Thursday
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered