Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
TODAY
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?