*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
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So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Doctors texting each other.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Snapes on a plane.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u