*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.