(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
nobody’s gonna understand
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.