asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
happy mother’s day❤️
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
no one likes gloating
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
motivation
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.