My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
When someone says you are so lazy
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.