Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
You Might Also Like
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
When I snag the last meatball.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.