When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
is this a warning or an offer?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no